Fear of the First
The memories drift in on their own. Staring out the plane window reminds of me of traveling as a child. I would look out the window, listen to music and leave the madness. It was an oasis. It was safe.
I land in Bogota from Aruba, hungover from my best friend’s wedding. After obsessing about this trip for nearly a decade-a multiyear round-the-world backpacking trip-I am reminded that I didn’t bother to learn any other languages.
At the Bogota airport, two mothers help me order empanadas. They live in Minnesota now, but are back in Colombia to visit their families. I tell them I’m flying to Riohacha. They pray and grasp my arm with concern. They tell me it was a very dangerous place. La Guajira, Colombia’s desert region on the Caribbean coast on the border of Venezuela, is (apparently) known for being extremely dangerous. The refugee crisis related to a government meltdown in Venezuela put additional pressure on the already vulnerable region. I had picked it because it seemed like a nice starting point on Google maps to cut from East to West across the country as I moved counter-clockwise around the continent to sort out my own baggage.
I find my connection and board the plane. My white knuckles wrap around the armrests. I forgot to grab cash in Bogota. I worry that I won’t find a safe way to the hostel. I feel stupid and unprepared.
It ended up being okay. Riohacha wasn’t exactly safe, but the instincts developed from growing up in American cities helped mitigate risk. But I was unprepared for the suffering I saw. The overwhelming scale of child hunger blindsided me at a time when I was sorting out my own childhood demons. The difference was as strong as the guilt I felt. But overwhelmed with emotion and out-leveraged to make a difference, I prioritized caring for myself. I moved westward.
Fear can be a good thing. It’s an indicator of challenge and growth. It’s a mode we enter to cross into the unknown. Once there, we prioritize the most important. Where will I sleep? Where will I get food? Balanced correctly, fear subsides as our knowledge and instincts grow. Eyes start to look upward to gratitude and the mind towards action. We get better.
Originally published at https://www.jbrandonwood.com on January 1, 2021.
